From Now On, I Am Only Giving Kittens As Gifts: Day One of My Whole 30

I had this dream last night that I gave everyone in the world a kitten. How bizarre is that? I am not even a cat person. I delivered them all, just like Santa Claus. Only, not in a sleigh. I was in a Mini Cooper. And my hair was really long and luxurious.

But, guys, everyone was really happy with the kitten gifts. Lots of smiles. And none of the kittens died waiting inside the elaborate kitten shaped boxes that they were hiding in. And you can get kittens on the cheap. So, I should probably consider kittens for future gift giving. Fuck what the Humane Society says.

Anyway.

Yesterday I completed my first day of January 2015’s Whole 30. So, let’s talk food. I am always rushing around in the morning, so my go-to-breakfast usually looks something like this:

Power Breakfast
Power Breakfast. Yep, I took this photo. And my table is dirty.

It’s pretty easy. Just sauté veggies in Coconut Oil (which is my favorite cooking and beauty staple…seriously, put that shit anywhere…attention, ladies…really ANYWHERE) and throw on some scrambled eggs. Half an apple and some black coffee later, you are out the door! I like to keep frozen veggies on hand for quick meals.

I am going to pause here and talk about scrambling eggs. A lot of you will put in a ton of cheese and milk and who-knows-what-else in your eggs and then mash them all around the pan. You, my little snickerdoodles, are really fucking up your scrambled eggs. They are eggy and flat and dull and maybe even burnt on the bottom.

Let me help you. For Whole 30, or really just to make a better tasting and simple dish, this is what you do:

  • Put your eggs and optional liquid (I like pure coconut milk) in a giant ass Pyrex measuring cup thingy. You know what I am talking about. Use roughly 1 Tablespoon of liquid per egg. Or don’t use any liquid. Ladies choice. Add a pinch of salt, maybe a dash of pepper.
  • Whisk it. Now, I mean WHISK IT. Get that deltoid muscle in on it. Clench your ass for extra calorie burning. Actually, do air squats too. Whisk it, whisk it good, until it is light and foamy.
  • Put some fat in the skillet. Use high heat until the fat is shimmery. If you are using butter or ghee, it will start to bubble a little.
  • Pour those frothy eggs into the center of the pan. DO NOT STIR IT. Wait a damn minute. Let the fat roll to the outside of the pan.
  • Now, the heat is still on high, so pay attention. Start to scramble the eggs with a spatula. Stir it slowly.
  • As soon as big chunks of delicious eggy curd start to appear, turn down the heat to low.
  • With the heat on low, start folding the eggs in on themselves with one hand. The other hand is gently shaking the pan. Your ass is clenched, you are squatting. You are folding and shaking the pan.
  • As soon as the liquid is gone, and the whites are still a little shiny, dump those beautifully formed eggs onto a warm plate. Let them rest for a minute….and voila!

You are welcome. No more scorched, nasty, flat eggs.

What else did I eat my first day? Good stuff. It was a success. I thought about what I was eating. Made it deliberate. More specifically? A giant salad, a piece of salmon and some roasted roots veggies and some pistachios. I would show you pictures, but I was so hungry that I just ate it all. Sorry. New to this blogging thing. Note to self: be more deliberate about food photos.

As a parting gift, however, I offer you this photo of my probiotic-rich, tasty GT’s Kombucha that I did remember to take. I will go on a probiotic/Kombucha rant another day.

A bottle of sunshine
A bottle of sunshine to light up the darkness of your mouth
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