Food Games: In Tha’ Mother F#!%ing Zone!

Shaddup. It’s fine. I only blog when it’s about food. Or poop. It’s whatever.

Guess what? My packmates at Iron Wolf Crossfit have started this September nutrition challenge. Basically, you do Whole 30 (you remember that shit), Paleo, or The Zone for the whole month. And, so, I was like “Food Games? In!”

Might be the Hangry Games. Dunno.
Might be the Hangry Games. Dunno.

I did that Whole 30. I did that Paleo. I ain’t never did The Zone. My initial thought? The Zone sounds like sportsball. So, that’s confusing. But, it really isn’t. It’s portions. Lots of math. Lots of veggies. You can click the damn link and read about it. Essentially, it is quality foods at a ratio of 40:30:30 carb/protein/fat. Got it?

But we doooo. WE DO.
But we doooo. WE DO. We eat them VERY WELL. VERY.

So, today was day one. Now, mind you, I am used to NO grains when I engage in Food Games. I meander along the path of dietary righteousness, somewhere around quasi-Paleo. I eat no processed foods, hardly any dairy and feel super guilty when I eat a grain. Like, I will full-on weep about scarfing down some rice. But, The Zone? The Zone is all like, “No! Come on over! You can eat WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Just check out this list! Good, good. Yes, step inside. Step. Inside. The ZONE.”

Fuck, yes!

And then you look at the list. FUCK YOU ZONE. 3 Almonds is a block of fat. 3? I mean, what? And 4 ounces of wine is a block. FOUR. Who drinks 4 ounces of wine? Not me. Wine glasses hold at least 8 ounces. Which, everyone knows, is a serving.

Stay with me. Just realize that The Zone does allow you to eat whatever you want–but in the “appropriate” (read: FU) portion.

Anyway. Day one. It was pretty good. It’s 10:30pm and I am not even hungry. I ate more vegetables that I have ever eaten in a day. I ate fish out of a can. I measured out a teaspoon of peanut butter.

And I saved a carb block for one of those shots of wine The Zone allows. Obviously.

Know what I'm sayin?
Know what I’m sayin?

I will be blogging periodically through this thing. I will be sharing recipes, food photos, my experiences, way too much information about my bowel movements…the usual.

Want to join me? If you are an Iron Wolf member, check out the Facebook page for details. If you aren’t: see that website I have linked 40 times. And read the book. It’s informative and poorly written.

G’Night.

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